Pregnant in Beer Mecca - Bend in a different light

We love Bend, Oregon. There are so many fun things to do and see, and so many adventures to be had: The Bend Ale Trail, a tour of microbreweries and tastings, long hikes, rafting, stand up paddle, and kitschy shopping downtown. Most of the time when we go to Bend, we spend our time on long hikes during the day, and enjoying the beers we found in the evenings. We typically schedule 1 raft trip, stay up late, sleep in, and start all over again.

So this year, we headed off for Bend, full of excitement, but things would be different: I was 30 weeks pregnant! No beer, no risky rafting or stand up paddle, and no long hikes, unless there happened to be a bathroom in the middle of the trail in the wilderness! A few weeks beforehand, I panicked - how were we going to have any fun?! But I did a little research, and kept an open mind once we got there. What follows is a list for pregnant women (and their support systems) of things to do, what to bring, and how we had a great vacation exploring things we might not otherwise have discovered.

What to Bring

1.  Sunblock. Lots of sunblock. I don't know about other pregnant women, but I seem to burn in about 30 seconds in my pregnant skin. I put on SPF 55 every time we went out, and still got a bit pink on one of the days. But overall, I thought I did a pretty good job not adding to my discomfort by avoiding sunburned skin.

2. Bug Spray. This was a lesson to me. I did NOT bring bug spray, and wished so badly that I had. We found a hiking spot along the Deschutes with a bathroom at the trailhead, and I was really excited to hit the trail. Rob started getting a couple of mosquito bites, but we didn't think much of it. As soon as we hit the trail, we literally got swarmed! None of us were exempt, but as a pregnant woman, the mosquitoes came to me like moths to a flame. I ended up with more mosquito bites than I could count, one tick bite, and we actually ran out of the trail, slapping our arms, legs, and faces, and hid in the car for 20 minutes while we waited for my dad to get back from his mountain bike ride. Although the area is not notorious for mosquitoes, let this be a lesson: be prepared with the bug spray!

3. Hand Sanitizer. After all, you'll be using every bathroom you encounter, and there's no guarantee of the condition of said bathrooms. I felt at least a little bit better that I had some control of my cleanliness. Plus it smelled nice, which most of those bathrooms do not.

4. Several pairs of shoes, socks, and clothes. Although I did do all my hiking in my tennis shoes, it was really refreshing to take them off in the car and slip into sandals. I also liked being able to dress pretty if I wanted, or lounge in comfy clothes if I needed to. I found myself showering and changing clothes often on this vacation, and was glad I brought the clothes and shoes I did. We also had a washing machine, which is not something you can bring with you, but something to keep in mind when booking. We did laundry almost daily.

5. Your partner, or some other form of support. Rob saved our vacation. He patiently waited while I stopped at literally every bathroom, carried water for us both, took photos, let me sleep when I needed to, and supported me when I had meltdowns (there were several). I know that even though the baby is in my body, he is totally affected by the changes I need: I can't taste beers with him, I don't have the energy to go out or stay out late, I don't have stamina to get out into the wilderness like we used to, and I need to eat, like, all. the. time. If Rob hadn't have been there with me on our vacation, I would not have enjoyed it the way I did. My family, who were also there, was also wonderful.

What to Do 

1.  Enjoy the public parks. Bend has a great public park system, and most of them center around the river. We stayed near Drake Park, which is downtown, but Riverbend and Farewell Bend parks, near the Old Mill District connect to one another, and are very nice, beautiful, and peaceful walking areas. Most of the paths in Bend's parks are paved, and the parks are very safe. They also have restrooms which are both clean and conveniently placed. Farewell Bend park extends the path, although not paved, along the river and feels more "hike-ish" but still accessible, and gentle.

Here we are at Farewell Bend park. On the other side of the river is Riverbend park, and off to the left of the photo is the path that goes further along the river than the paved part goes.

2. Buy state and national park passes. We bought the state pass and my sister bought the national park pass. They hang in your car, so you can share, which we did. Between us I think the passes paid for themselves by the end of the week. We visited Smith Rocks State Park, Sparks Lake, Tumalo Falls, and the Lava River Caves. I recommend all of these places. Each has ample restroom availability, and plenty of beautiful scenery. I'll go into each of them briefly:

• Smith Rocks State Park

Go in the morning. We went in the afternoon, and it was really beautiful, and definitely less crowded, but that's because it was scorching hot. Our dog got overheated, it was that hot! Also, best views of rock climbers are apparently in the morning, since the sun isn't on the rocks. Wear hiking shoes or other shoes with good grip, if you can. I wore my running shoes, which have great support, but felt very unstable on the way down into the canyon. Another plus: this photo was taken at a picnic bench just off the parking lot, so if you don't feel like walking down or exerting yourself too much, there are lots of great views and photo-ops without really going very far.

• Sparks Lake

Sparks Lake was a very pleasant surprise. There is a paved path to a viewpoint which is very short, as you can see I was wearing sandals, and managed just fine. We thought the path looped around, and, eventually, it did... But we were glad of the detour we took. We turned a corner and found ourselves on a part of the path which winds through what I would call a "mini-canyon" of lava rock columns. The columns were only about 10 feet tall, but we were surrounded on both sides, and this part of the trail felt totally different from the terrain we had just left, and from the terrain we entered once we were out of the "canyon." It was really fun, and the whole path along Sparks Lake was pleasantly shady and quiet, despite the packed parking lot.

• Tumalo Falls

Drive up Skyliners Rd. directly from Bend, and in about 20 minutes, you'll arrive at Tumalo Falls. We thought we'd be hiking quite a bit, but this is another great spot with a lookout and a bathroom. We went on a Saturday near midday, so it was pretty busy, but we still managed several photos and great views of the falls. Since it was busy, and since we had another activity planned for the afternoon, we decided not to hike around, but there appeared to be several trails of varying difficulties in several directions.

• Lava River Caves

These were easily the coolest (literally, the caves are 42 degrees at all times!) adventure we had. First, you have to check in with one of the rangers to verify that you haven't been in any caves in California or Washington in the last 5 years, since there's a bat disease going around that they don't want spreading. You get a really awesome stamp on your arm. Then, if you didn't bring your own flashlight, you rent a lantern from the next ranger. One lantern for 2 people is doable, but we found ourselves using our phone flashlights several times. Bring a sweatshirt, since it is cold down there, but in the middle of summer for a pregnant woman, it feels AWESOME. The signs say to give an hour for cave exploring, and that's about accurate. We walked at a good clip, and it took us about an hour and 10 minutes. The exploring is really just walking about a mile into the caves, then a mile back out. There's only one way to go, and the path is quite clear, and the walking is not strenuous at all. At the risk of sounding really obvious, it's very dark, so watch your step, and hold the handrails as needed. The end of the path is anticlimactic - there's just a sign that says to turn around or risk your life and/or getting in trouble with the rangers. It's not even a cute or fun sign. Again, one mistake was that we went on a Saturday afternoon, and on our way out we encountered several large groups, which was annoying, especially because I really needed to pee at that point, and was sick of waiting for people to go past us. We also saw several people with their little ones - one toddler screamed the whole way because he was afraid of the dark, and a couple with an infant got stuck trying to do a diaper change and calm their baby in the dark, cold cave. Our thought was that we'd wait to take our kids until they could walk 2 miles independently and we could explain the darkness to them and they could verbalize their fears. But that's just us, and maybe we'll feel differently when our kids are those ages. Overall, this experience was really rewarding, and worth the drive.

In terms of buying the passes, we now have access to do lots of things around Oregon and any other drives we might venture to for the next year with our little one. She won't remember the places, but we will, and we now have some pretty accessible places to go for little money with our daughter during her first year, when we will want to go places as a family. Win-win!

3. Get a massage. I was gifted a massage while we were in Bend, and I will just give a quick shout-out to Jinsei Spa. I had an amazing prenatal massage in a very calming spa atmosphere. I had a very calming experience, the massage was great, and I highly recommend it.

4. Nap. We tried to keep up our adventure pace throughout the vacation, even though the adventures were different. Days that I napped, I slept so hard I knew I needed it. Days I didn't nap were days I really struggled to hold it together until dinner, let alone stay awake to enjoy our family time together. Some days I definitely overdid it. Napping helped to offset that. Plan time in your days to nap, that's what vacation is for!

5. Take the time to enjoy the people you're with. Rob and I had several moments where we just sat and took in the moment. Whether we were outside at a beautiful park, sitting on the couches watching TV, or roaming downtown with our dog, we made a point to appreciate what a vacation sans baby meant, even if it wasn't the same as our typical vacations. No, we weren't exploring breweries or enjoying mid-afternoon cocktails, and we weren't spending all day long outside, getting further from civilization with each step, but we also weren't chasing a little one around, waking up at 2, and 4, and 5, and 6:30 in the morning, or frantically searching for the closest store because we're out of diapers (again).

At the end of our week, we were ready to go home, which we always see as a sign of a good vacation. We enjoyed ourselves, wore ourselves out, spent time with our family, and did some new things. I hope this post can be helpful to others who might like to go to Bend, pregnant or not. I didn't know what to expect out of this vacation. But by the end of it I remembered why I live in Oregon and choose to stay in-state on vacation: we live in a beautiful place with so many things to do, it's worth sticking around, regardless of life status.

Moving and Changing

We live in a house. If you don't know us, you would think this is a strangely obvious statement to make. But for my husband and I, living in a house has always been a life goal and dream. We had lots of help, but we have done it, and now we don't just exist in a residence, or function out of an apartment - we live in a house. Our new home. And we are so happy.

We hate moving. Both of us do. That being said, we have moved a total of 4 times since we started living together. You'd think we would avoid moving, and we do, but sometimes you just have to. We had to move from a 1-bedroom to a 2-bedroom apartment. We had to move to Albany, and we had to come back home to Eugene. But finally, we are in a home that we could see ourselves living in, growing in, and staying in for the rest of our lives. I walk through the hall and see little ones running around. I sit on our back porch and imagine summer after summer spent gazing at the garden and eating outside. I stand in the kitchen and envision Thanksgivings and Christmases, Duck game watch parties and birthday parties. My husband has spent hours already making the garage his "man cave" and organizing what little amounts of tools and supplies we have. He has meticulously swept off every inch of our porch, and picked out a welcome mat. We love this house. I didn't think it was possible to love a place so much, but for us, it provides a feeling of place, a feeling of belonging. Even our pets are happy here.

We had so much help from so many people in making this house happen. From help finding it, to acquiring it, to moving, to painting and decorating, to arranging (and then rearranging) the furniture. And even though we hate moving, this experience has brought us together with some of the people we love the most, and has brought us closer together. I have been able to relax quite a bit about the baby, since we are now living in a home that can accommodate our needs as a family.

This move has brought about a great deal of change for my husband and I. Today is our 3-year wedding anniversary, although we have known one another for nearly 10 years. As I reflect upon all the changes that have happened in these three married years, I am amazed. We have gone through so much together, and grown so much individually and as a couple. Since being married, we have both completed a college degree, lived in a different town, gotten a dog (and not just any dog, an anxiety-ridden shelter dog), entered career track jobs, traveled, experienced times of trial and times of triumph, and we have now started a family. And we've done those things at each other's sides. Now we take on another milestone together: a house. It's going to be different and difficult, but we're in it together. And teamwork is something we're good at.

Today is a celebration of how far we've come, and an acknowledgement that we will grow and change in the future. Today is about being grateful for what we have and for the people around us. It is about hope. Today is probably also about housework, since we're not quite done with the move...

Happy Anniversary to my husband! Here's to many, many more!

An Ode to Running

About 3 years ago, a friend recommended the "Couch-to-5K" program to me. If you had asked me at any other point in my life if I enjoyed running, the swift and resounding "No!" that issued from my mouth could be heard 'round the world. But I was looking for something to challenge my fitness (read: I wasn't exercising, and I found walking rather boring, and didn't want to pay for a gym membership). Plus, my Facebook feeds had been exploding with all kinds of friends, also self-professed "non-runners," who were doing it, and actually having... what's the word... fun?

Yes, fun. So I looked up the program, made myself a giant wall calendar, and picked a goal: Eugene's Butte to Butte 5K. I figured, if I'm going to do this, I need something that's going to hold me to it. Nothing like parting with money to keep me focused on a goal. Seriously. If you want me to do something, make me pay for it. I'm a cheapskate.

I completed the Butte to Butte 5K in 2012. I was hooked. Not sure I liked racing, but I had hit the goal of running for 30 minutes straight (with C25K), and in fact at that point the 5K took me nearly 45 minutes. And, to my own personal amazement, I kept running. Yeah, me, the non-runner. I ran a few times per week, for at least 30 minutes, gradually working up my stamina.

I entered a few other races. I liked them more. I still joked about that "runner's high" people talk about, fully agreeing with the meme I found:

No, seriously, there were times when I was really just glad I didn't die. But I still kept at it.

I was learning to challenge myself in ways I had either never known, or just forgotten how to do. I set distance goals. I tried to increase my pace. I changed my route. I ran in places I wasn't familiar with, not worrying about time or distance. I experienced what it was like to "run a city" in order to get my bearings. It was liberating, inspiring, and downright pride-inducing. I felt confident, strong, and healthy.

People think I'm joking when I tell them that running saved my life. It's true. I have discovered a side to myself that I love. I forgive myself when I run. I allow my mind to wander, or I go out with a purpose. If I run slow, I'm OK with it. If I cover a new, longer distance, I'm elated. I allow myself to be uncomfortable when I run, and to explore those feelings, both physically and emotionally. I accept myself when I run. Just think about the power of that statement: I accept myself when I run.

I spend time reading about running: how to do it better, faster, safer, differently. I read about where to run. I observe where my friends run, and look for "dream races." I have actually tried to talk my husband into planning a vacation around a race.

The way I talk about running, you'd think I would have completed marathons, or won races. No. The farthest I've ever run is a 10K - about 6.2 miles. The Butte to Butte 10K, as a matter of fact. My usual distance is a 5K, the fastest of which I've run in just under 32 minutes (still haven't hit that 30 minute mark!). But I've learned that it doesn't (always) matter, for me, how long, or how far, or how fast. It's just that I do it, and that afterwards, I feel like Superwoman.

So now you know why I've been missing it so much during pregnancy. It's not that running is a pregnancy no-no. I've been reminded, by well-intentioned folks, that "It is OK to run during pregnancy, you know that right? Have you tried it?" I should add that the people who have said this to me do not run. Fools. Of course I know it's OK! Of course I have tried it! It's just that this pregnancy and running have not worked out. And I have made a choice to choose what is right for my body right now to wait, and return to running post baby. And I'm slowly allowing myself to be OK with that decision.

As I reflect on running, I realize that the process of learning to run has taught me so many things, and has prepared me for other challenges in my life. I have learned to persevere. I have learned to be patient and forgiving, of myself and of others. And I know I will be able to return to running, even though I'm taking this "time off" while pregnant. After my daughter is born, running will continue to help me through the trials of parenting. Hopefully, I'll be able to set a healthy example for my daughter, showing her that fitness is important and valuable. Maybe one day we'll run together.

The Unexpected Side of Pregnancy

In January, when we found out I was pregnant, I was elated. Some of you know it took us longer than expected to get pregnant, and a few of you know how difficult that was for me - the "perfect one" who gets what she wants by doing everything right the first time, and by planning and being organized. Perhaps that was my first taste of something I'm learning as I'm on this journey: I only have so much control over what happens in the process of growing a child. For those of you who know me well, you know that control is a big thing. Keeping it together is a big deal. Perfection is preferred, at least when it comes to myself.

Therefore, I was going to have the perfect pregnancy: I bought all the books and downloaded the apps
I was going to eat all the right things. I was going to continue running, my passion, until the day I went into labor. I was going to enroll in prenatal yoga, gain the perfect amount of weight, and feel beautiful. I would glow. I was going to participate in all the things we usually do with our friends. And when baby came, I was going to be ready for the changes she brought: lack of sleep, no makeup, change of focus. I had 9 months to mentally prepare for what a baby meant.

The first trimester can be summed up in one word: Sleep. I was exhausted! Forget running, I could hardly make it through the whole school day before locking up, going home, and napping for 2 hours, then falling asleep on the couch between 8:30 and 9pm. As if it mattered. The next day, I would be nearly late for work because I couldn't drag myself out of bed until the absolute last second. Running was out. Prenatal yoga? Funny joke. I ate anything and everything that had sugar, because I couldn't stay awake, and coffee gave me headaches.

Then, the blessed second trimester. Energy! Focus! I was back! And my little bump was so cute I could hardly stand it. I finally looked pregnant, and spent hours choosing outfits and taking photos. I wore my beautiful new maternity clothes that my mother had bought for me, or that my family had let me borrow. I was so excited. And my hair! My usually limp, thin hair had become stronger, more lustrous, and a bit thicker. I loved this change.


But there were other changes I didn't love - I couldn't take anything useful for my allergies, I got winded really easily, I had back pain, lack of sleep, and worry. All these things were normal, and I read about them in my books and apps, and I tried to accept them. I tried to push through. My doctor told me I was gaining "a bit more weight than she'd like to see." What I heard was: "You failed." I had lost the control I thought I was maintaining. The little joys I had been using to get me through started to seem littler and less significant. They couldn't sustain me anymore.

I withdrew. Pregnancy became more of a burden than a joy. As the second trimester wears on, I have started noticing more discomfort than excitement. I feel left out. I'm lonely. I can't sleep. I can't run. I'm clumsy. I threw out my back packing a box of picture frames at our house. Picture frames! I have felt listless, bored, sorry for myself, anxious, and sad. I miss my waist and my old clothes. I have sat at home by myself and cried. And I feel SO guilty for it. This is supposed to be a joyful time. I'm supposed to feel special, beautiful, and excited. And all things considered, I think I've had a pretty easy pregnancy by comparison. But reminding myself of these things doesn't make me feel better.

As I approach my third trimester, I have started to feel an impending sense of loss. Running. My friends understanding me. My confidence. Doing things on my own. Sleeping. Things I depend upon in my regular life as coping mechanisms.

I'm supposed to have 9 months to prepare for the changes a baby will bring. Instead, each week of this pregnancy has brought something different. Something I can't control. I pride myself on being a strong person. Independent. Patient. And now I'm irritable, vulnerable, sometimes helpless, and scared. I feel lonely, anxious, and guilty. I'm tired of being pregnant - if these changes are already here, I might as well have the baby to go with them. At least then I would have something to focus on.

These are the things no one tells you about. These are the feelings I never expected. The ones I don't want to admit to. But I want to be honest and open, because I refuse to believe I'm the only pregnant woman to feel this way, or who might feel this way. And it might help someone else to read this. I also believe that with openness can come some healing. Keeping something like this to myself doesn't help me, but I often do it to protect my "perfect" self. I can usually get past things in a few days. No one knows. I keep it together.

A few days ago, I talked to my husband about some of these feelings. He listened. He held my hand. He said small, reassuring things. Like he did the day we got married and it rained all morning. Like he did after we had tried for a year and I was devastated that there was still no baby. Like he always does. And I felt a little better.

Yesterday, I talked to my mom. I tried not to let on too much, just "casually" mentioned how I've had low days, and think I might be at risk for post-partum depression, given my own history of depression and anxiety. She listened. She shared a few things with me that other young women in our lives have told her over the years, and we moved on to other things. It was a short conversation, compared with some I've had with her. But last night, I slept. I slept long and hard.

These are things I also didn't expect. I didn't expect that my lack of physical independence would lead me to access those I love for emotional dependence. I didn't expect depending upon others to help me. I didn't expect to learn so much about myself as I prepared to care for someone else.


Being reassured by my husband gave me enough energy to drag myself out walking that day. While it's not my favorite (running, remember?), it provides both the exercise my doctor recommends and gets me outside, where I love to be. And I was able to draw upon some positive thoughts. I will get through this. There is an end. And someday I will even miss this part of my life. Creating life really is a miracle. I can't possibly control everything, because miracles aren't for people, they are for God. I have to learn that lesson. Apparently I have to be hit over the head with that lesson several times.

So do I feel "all better now," since I've gotten this out on a blog? No, not completely. But I also don't feel so bad. With some encouragement, I have found ways to channel my energy that don't include surfing Facebook to witness everyone's vacations and camping trips and sushi, and wine tastings and races. So that when I do see those things, I can actually be happy for my friends who get to do them. I am knitting my daughter a blanket to bring her home from the hospital. I have revisited my Garmin calendar and goals, and determined that I may still meet my mileage goal this year even if it's by walking. I bought a swimsuit that looks really, really cute on my belly.

I got lost in the little things. I may not be out of the woods yet. But it's the little things that are helping me find myself again. Some changes have happened. Many are yet to come. I will have great days and terrible days. And I can't control all of that. One thing I can control are the actions I take to help myself. So I will continue to try to ask my family and friends to help me. To be there for me. To listen. To withhold judgment. And I will do the same for you when you need it, because I know what it's like to need that.

 Me and Jack on the beach in Florence. Photo credit to the husband, whose idea it was to make the trip. One of the best days of my pregnancy, filled with great memories.

Honesty: An Introduction

Blogging has only recently become an interest of mine. Writing my own, that is. I have been reading blogs done by my friends and people I admire for about a year. And those blogs range from education-related things to family updates, to personal, emotional stories. Add into that equation my love of Facebook and social media, but my tendency to be long-winded. I wanted a way to get my thoughts out honestly, and to share that honesty with others. So I got an idea in my head: "What if I were to start a blog?"

A few days ago, I asked my friends why they blog, what they write, and who is their intended audience. I was hoping for inspiration, focus, guidance. And I secretly hoped that a few of the bloggers/friends I follow would chime in, since they were my inspiration (they did!). I got so many responses with so much variation, from: "I blog because it allows me to vent," to: "I blog because I want to start a conversation," and: "I blog so people can keep up with my growing family." Great answers, and helpful, but so much for focus...

I had to think for a couple of days, because when I do something I want it to have focus, purpose. But with so many reasons to blog, what would my focus be? What will set my blog apart from others? What will elevate me to blogging greatness?! And so began the thinking. I thought about my potential blog posts while walking my dog (Really?! Barking at cars?! I could vent about this for days!) I thought about it while reading a recent article in the local newspaper regarding my school district (Mind racing, what if someone from the district sees my rant? Could I get in trouble? But I do love my school. I don't want to sound bitter. But, but, but...). I pondered blogging about the hairstyles people ask me about as I was braiding my hair (I could do tutorials! Women everywhere would Pin my photos on Pinterest!). I even thought about blogging in the wee hours of the night, when my growing baby began her nightly ritual of practicing somersaults in my belly the moment I settled in to try to sleep (This is so miraculous...and annoying! Surely other moms can relate). Again, so much for focus...

But then I thought about the purpose of a blog, as I understand it: There really is no specific purpose. Hence, the diversity of blogs out there in the universe, and the diversity of purposes they serve for their authors. If people want to write about their kids, they can. If they want to document their hobbies, travels, or times of trial, that's OK too. Even if someone wants to blog about the intricacies of social behavior in, say, water buffaloes... sure, they can do that. The audience is narrowed significantly, but its possible.

And the other aspect of blogging is audience. Some of the people who answered my blogging question on Facebook pointed out this side: Sure, blogging might be fun, but who would really read it? What makes me so special that people want to read what's going on in my head? If they want to know, they could just ask, right? Right. They could. And some do. But sometimes I have things to share that a simple, "How have you been?" just won't cover.

So when I think about what I have to share, and with whom I have to share it, I have decided to focus upon a guiding principle: Honesty. This does not mean I will spew out whatever comes to mind without filtering, and I will not be spilling my deepest, darkest, secrets to the Internet (nor those of my loved ones). The titles of my posts will give a hint as to their contents, and I will share said posts where I feel they will be read. If you want to read, read on.

There will be posts about pregnancy, and, after our little girl is born, there will be posts about new-mommy-hood, and babies, and photos. There will be posts about my social views. There will be uplifting posts and there will be honest, raw posts that may be difficult to read. There will be posts about spirituality, friendship, marriage, celebrations, disappointments, and frustrations. Sometimes I will post daily. And sometimes there will be LONG gaps between posts. Because that's life. And that's my first bit of honesty. Welcome. :)