Bedrest

I just woke up from a dream where I ran a 5K while 9 months pregnant, and while running, I bragged to all the other runners about my pre-pregnancy weight - something which, until I became pregnant, I never fully appreciated. I miss running, and, apparently, I miss my waist. I have been on modified bedrest since September 12th. My child is due September 30th. Let me just say that I have a short time to endure, and I can even get up a bit, and I already feel this is some sort of torture. If you know someone on full bedrest for any length of time, reach out to her, she needs you, this is crazy-making stuff!

A week and a half ago, I went to the doctor for a routine check-in. School had started, and though I was tired and felt really puffy, I thought things were going well, and was all set to continue working up until about 4 days before baby's due date. I had not started my sub plans. I had not cleaned off my desk. I went to our usual tailgate and chatted with our friends a few days earlier. I had a meeting right before my appointment, and it had gone slightly over, so I was running late. I arrived to the doctor's office a few minutes late and was chastised by the receptionist, who assured me that although my tardiness was hardly forgivable (we're talking 8 minutes!), somehow they would squeeze me in. 45 minutes later, I was still waiting. Needless to say, I was pretty frustrated.

When I finally did get in to see the doctor (who, I learned, had asked the front desk to call me after 10 minutes, and they did not), I wasn't in the mood to hear the nurse's excuses for why I hadn't been seen sooner. Long story, but they basically thought I didn't show up even though I had checked in, so they moved on with their day. I didn't care. They made me wait, I had to pee, I was chastised, it was their fault, etc. I'm 9 months pregnant and I had been patient with 26 first graders all day. I was past the end of my rope. I digress.

Once in the doctor's office, the nurse took my blood pressure. Usually, she smiles, tells me exactly what it is, and says, "Nice and low!" and happily continues with the rest of her questions. This time, she says, "Huh," frowns, and says, "That's high..." and goes straight to the computer, no eye contact. Me: "High? That's surprising... High enough to cause concern?" Nurse: "Um... We'll let the doctor decide that." And leaves the room. Excuse me?! What?! I'm their low-blood pressure girl! I'm sure they talk in amazed tones about my marvelously low blood pressure when I leave! ("Oh, there she goes, that lucky pregnant lady with the low blood pressure. She must do prenatal yoga...") Surely it's just because I'm so livid about having to wait so long, etc, etc. I guess that the doctor will check it again when she comes in - and I'm right. But it's still high, even after I relax a bit.

So my doctor prepares me for the next steps: she will take a blood sample, then based upon that, there may be more tests, which will require me to stay home from work for a day. OK, I can handle that. And, she says, if the tests come back positive for preeclampsia, I will likely be induced that weekend. Here's what I heard: "If things are bad, you get to meet your baby early, and be done with being pregnant!" I have never, EVER, prayed so hard to have a health complication. I actually rejoiced a little when she called me at work the next day to tell me there would be more tests.

Gross out alert: the additional testing was a 24-hour urine sample. Which, if you've never done it, goes from nerve-wracking to humorous to humiliating in a very short amount of time. First they hand you this bucket and these instructions, and a little pot to pee in. Then you go home, and every time you pee, you have to collect it in the bucket, which you have to keep in your refrigerator, next to your cold cuts as if it's NBD. So first you're really careful about it, following the instructions to the letter. Then, your husband gets home and you guys laugh every time you go to the fridge, because of the frequency with which you go to the fridge. Then after about 5 trips of laughter, it's not funny. And it's really not funny in the middle of the night because you're pregnant and you have to pee and you're half asleep and you have to remember to pee in the little pot then pour it in the bucket and you can't miss any.

After 24 hours of this, we go to the hospital. We have packed our bags, arranged a dog-sitter, and alerted the appropriate family members of the possibility of a baby within 48 hours. Not wanting to jinx things, we leave the bags at home, for Rob to come get once I'm admitted. I hand over the bucket-o-pee to the nurse, get hooked up to some monitors, and we wait. They take my blood pressure again. It's disappointingly normal, but I hold out hope that we're not leaving until this baby is out. My doctor is on call that afternoon, so she comes in and says that if the tests don't come back positive for preeclampsia, we can induce at 39 weeks. 39 weeks! That's not so bad, I can do that, even if it's not tonight.

We get sent home. Seems being home from work all day Friday helped me relax and brought my blood pressure back down. When I go to the doctor for a non-stress test to check on the baby, I'm back down to normal levels... and I have lost 2 1/2 pounds in about 4 days. Baby is fine. I go back for another check on Wednesday, and ask about setting an induction date for the 39-week mark. I hear what I thought I'd hear, and what I knew would be best but really really REALLY didn't want to hear: we don't need to induce at 39 weeks as long as your blood pressure is back down and baby is doing fine. Actually, according to the doctor, baby is pleased as punch and "having a little party" in my belly now that I'm on bedrest. At 38 weeks, I'm sick of carrying this thing around on the inside, and I can't even move around to make it better! I left the doctor's office devastated. Irrationally so, and I knew that, which didn't help my mood. Obviously, we want a full-term baby, and what's best for her is to make her way out on her own.

So I've been on modified bedrest since we started the testing. I'm fine. Baby is fine. 2 things I am grateful for. And as I've been on bedrest, some really interesting thoughts have occurred. Here's how about a week and a half of bedrest have gone:

• This is awful. She told me I'd be rid of this thing on Friday, now I have to wait until 39 weeks.
• A non-stress test? What is that?
• Oh, it's really boring. I should have brought a book. I can't reach my phone. Crap.
• OMG, I have to do more of these? But why, this one was fine. Baby is fine. This is dumb. See you on Thursday.
• HBO, you are failing me. All these shows won Emmy's, and none of them hold my attention.
• Hello, House of Lies! I'll just watch a few episodes today.
• Oops, I'll have to watch that last episode again. I just woke up from a time-warping 2 hour nap. Will I be able to sleep tonight? Yes.
• Wait, I'm already done with Season 1? But it's only been 2 days. Oh, man.
• Back at the doctor. I feel like I live here. You really don't know my name by now? Baker, birthdate 3/6/86. No, my address hasn't changed since yesterday.
• What? Now we're not going to induce? I have to endure more of this bedrest? I understand that it's modified. No, I don't think you really are sorry that I can't work. You don't seem very sorry.
• How long can I be upright for modified bedrest?
• Oh, that was too long, I can feel it. Here comes another 2-hour nap.
• Pinterest for daaaaaayssss...
• Jamba Juice. I really want Jamba Juice.
• I have literally opened my Facebook so many times today, nothing in my news feed is new. C'mon people, do stuff so I can stalk you from my couch!
• How many times in a day does a cat need to go into the garage?! I think he goes in there specifically to wait until I sit down, then cries to get back in the instant I'm comfortable.
• People keep asking me what I need. You mean other than for my baby to decide to head out? 
• Haha, I just made a labor joke. I crack myself up!
• What could I do to make my blood pressure spike again? Maybe then they would induce...
• FitPregnancy has a "Bedrest Workout" on their website. Yesss!!!
• Oh, it's all things I'm already doing. Sigh.
• Hmmm... app store, what games do you have for me? 
• The only time my blood pressure was high was that one day. Couldn't we call it a fluke and I could go back to normal life until she's born?
• Friends and family come to visit! I do exist! I know I said I don't need anything until the baby is born, but this is really great.
• How much gossip can they handle before they get really tired of me? 
• No, don't leave! OK, bye, yes, you're still on some sort of schedule which requires you to be places at certain times.
• Another NST. OHMYGOSH I GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! Time to bust out the hair dryer!
• How many different ways can I sit or lay down on the couch?
• My blood pressure is fine. Baby is fine. Couldn't I just go to work for like, a couple days?
• Perfect weather this morning. No, dog, I can't take you for a walk in it. I know. It sucks.
• Krackle bars are like the pretzels in the bag of Munchies: no one wants them but the company throws them in anyway. Just own your bad idea and stop making Krackle bars!
• How much is a trip to Hawaii over Spring Break? Oh, wow, just kidding.
• If I can't go for a walk to bring on labor, maybe sitting upright will help gravity work its magic. I'll sit up for as long as I can today.
• Haha, we just put a onsie on the dog. Hahahahaaaaaa!
• Flicking, tapping, and patting the belly. Maybe we can annoy her out.
• Why are there so many Apple Cinnamon flavored oatmeal packs in our cupboard?
• Oh yeah, because that is the worst kind of oatmeal there is. Gross. I wish I could redo breakfast.
• Super weird dreams. SUPER WEIRD.
• At some point in the day, no position is comfortable - laying down, sitting up, feet propped, legs crossed, standing, nothing. Bedrest is not restful when you're frustrated and uncomfortable.
• Wait! Was that a labor contraction? No... Was that? No.

And so many, many other random, silly, crazy thoughts you have no idea. Thank you to those who have been there for me so far, and for those of you other moms who have reminded me that this really is the right thing for both of us. Honestly, for all three of us. Rob has been great also, and I know this process has been hard for him too - no one wants to see their spouse and child go through scary medical stuff, even if, in the grand scheme of things, it turns out to be OK. So even though I can't wait to meet my little bundle of joy, it seems she is content to finish "baking" (another pun!) until at least her due date, as long as I'm resting up.

I don't think I'll be running any 5K's anytime soon, regardless of my dreams, so for now my bedrest exercises will have to do. Happy Monday, friends.

Say What?!

Here they are, the list of funny, shocking, and crazy things that have been said to pregnant mamas. Enjoy! No names to protect the innocent ;)

1. "Don't put hot sauce on your food, it's really bad for the baby!"

2. "At the pool with my niece, a toothless, hairy man rubbed and patted my belly and said, 'Nuther one in the oven, I see!"

3. "You shouldn't count on anything going the way you want during labor, because nothing went right during mine."

4. "You must be so hot! And you still have so much summer left!" It's worth mentioning that this was said by an aging man who did not know me.

5. "At 36 weeks, a woman asked me how much longer I had. When I told her, she said, 'Oh my GOD! That doesn't even seem physically possible!'"

6. From a kid: "You look like you have a basketball in your stomach... Well, actually, more like just a half of a basketball..."

7. "Have you peed your pants yet?"

8. "Are you sure you aren't having twins?"

9. "You're not going to find out if it's a boy or a girl? But HOW will you plan?!"

10. "Get rid of your cats. They will suffocate the baby by trying to take the milk from their lips."

11. "My blood pressure was really high when I checked in to the hospital in labor. The nurse asked me: 'Are you really nervous or something?' Well, yeah!"

12. "Wow! You're so big! I can't believe you're here right now!"

13. "Don't let the cat sit on your lap. In fact, don't even let him touch you."

14. "I was walking down some stairs in public, and a friend of ours shouted, 'Watch out, she's gonna blow!'"

15. "How much weight have you gained? I was only allowed to gain 18 pounds. Be careful you don't gain too much."

16. "Your feet aren't that puffy... Oh, well yeah, I guess they are."

17. Several variations of, "Why are you still working?" or "I can't believe you're still here!" or "You're so brave to keep working."

18. With hands already touching the belly, "I forgot to ask. Can I touch your belly?"

19. "Once you give birth, your husband won't want anything to do with you because of what childbirth does to your lady parts."

20. "You must be having morning sickness, you look awful!"

21. "At the grocery store, a father with his two screaming toddlers walked past my husband and I. A lady walked by just after and looked at my pregnant belly. 'Is this your first?' She asked. We smiled and nodded, and she pointed to the screaming kids and said, 'Just keep that in mind!'"

There they are. If you have any to add, let me know!