It seems that writing you letters may become a "thing." I do it because someday I hope you will read them. I hope you will enjoy them. I hope they will bring you a sense of love and security when you need it most.
I write today as we approach your 7-month birthday. Nothing significant, really, in the grand scheme of life. We've passed your half birthday, and you're not yet one. But still, this past month has been a big one for you. Your little personality has started to come out; you show preferences for things, and have started to reach for us to pick you up, and to call out to us. It is heartbreakingly adorable, and we love it. You have started to show reciprocal emotions, whereas before it was simply dependence upon us to care for your basic needs. What an amazing development.
You are social. You love people. When we go to church, or the grocery store, you make eye contact with anyone and everyone, and flash your little two-toothed smile, charming your way into their day. And because you're so beautiful (I'm totally biased, I know), they smile back. Strangers say hello, wave, smile. I worry about this a little bit, because I know someday we'll need to teach you about how much or how little to trust strangers, but for now, we can keep you close and safe, so the world is your oyster. Smile away, little one.
You especially love other kids and babies. When you were even littler, this started to become evident when we'd go to play groups or church events, and although you weren't even crawling, you wanted to join in. Kids would come up to you and hug you and kiss you, or say hello, and you would lean in, reach out, and beam at them. You loved watching them play, and would bounce on my lap as you stared, enchanted, at other little faces and bodies.
One of your favorite "friends" is the baby in the mirror. Anytime you see your own reflection, your smile is the biggest. You don't know it's you yet. But you love that face. You love that she smiles back at you, and you love reaching out for her.
But someday, you may not love that face as much. The world will hurt you. People's words will hurt you. You will see images in your life that tell you that who you are, what you are, and the way you look are not beautiful, not good enough. That some part of you, or that all of you, does not measure up. The mirror may not always be your friend. You will not look at yourself with the same love that you do now.
It is painful for me to think about that day, because I know it will come. It does for all girls, no matter what anyone says. Maybe for all people, regardless of gender. No matter how hard we try to protect you from it. I stand in front of that same mirror most mornings and see something I'm not happy about for my own self. I'm still a work in progress, and I know that. But I refuse to vocalize the negative thoughts in front of you. I refuse to let you see the critical look in my eyes when I examine my own imperfections. Because the same look that crosses your face when you see yourself in the mirror is the look you give to me and to your father when you see ours.
It is a look of love. Uninhibited, unconditional love. And maybe I can learn from you here. You, my 7-month old bundle of neurons and mysteries and hope. Maybe someday I can look at myself with that same love you have for me now. And I can model that for you. Model something more than confidence, but the love of self that we are all born with.
So, my dear, hang on to that love for your own face, and smile, and eyes, and toes, and every part of you for as long as you can. I can't protect you from everything in the world, but what I can protect you from, I promise I will. And I will build you up, little one, every chance I get, in the hope that you grow into a confident, strong young woman. Humble, not boastful, but confident nonetheless. So that you will take the right risks and achieve your dreams and goals.
Because no matter how you see yourself, no matter how young or old you are, I'll always see my beautiful baby girl, who I love with all my heart.
Go, girl, go!
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