It's not lost on me that I am yet another person who is using the death of a celebrity to air my opinions about mental health, moral values, or other soapbox topics. However, I was touched by the death of Robin Williams for a few reasons, and can't seem to stop thinking about it. There are things about Robin Williams to which I can relate, which pertain to my own life, and which speak to me.
Robin Williams was an Episcopalian, like I am. While I liked him before that, I always thought that was a cool connection. He had a great stand-up bit about being an Episcopalian that was so spot on, my family and I still quote it to this day.
Robin Williams was incredibly gifted, intelligent, and talented. Gifted individuals have the ability to be incredibly perceptive and reflective; so much so that it can cause a great deal of pain. I don't have specific citations or articles to share with you right now, but I do know that there is a high correlation between gifted folks and mental health issues.
By now, it has basically been said that Robin Williams was battling depression and his death was from suicide. Now, here is where I struggle a great deal with some of the responses I've seen to his death. I've come across articles, blog posts, and opinions which basically state that Robin Williams doesn't deserve to be mourned or respected because he committed suicide, and that doing so was his choice, and he was being selfish. I want to be very clear about something: I do not condone suicide or believe it is ever, ever the right option for anyone. However, I would like to raise 2 questions:
1. Does the way someone died determine whether or not their life deserves to be honored, or the loss of their life to be mourned?
2. Before you decide that suicide is truly a choice, do you understand what depression and anxiety really do to a person's brain?
The point of the first question is this: in the case of Robin Williams, whether or not you agree with how he died, that does not negate the brilliance of the entire 63 years during which he lived. He was a human being, a soul, a life. He happened to be a public figure. And he wasn't perfect. But here's how I think of it: when I die, however it happens, do I want the people who are still around to judge whether or not my entire life, and eventual death was "worth it?" If I have a heart attack, will people say, "Well, she really should have exercised more," or if I get cancer, will people say, "That's what happens when you put chemicals in your body. She should have eaten more organic foods." Is that what will dominate the whispers following my funeral? I want people to talk about my contributions, my personality, my family, my life. I don't need to be glorified, but I certainly don't need every aspect of my life to be criticized, either. And the same goes for anyone else. No one deserves to have their every decision, habit, or personality trait discussed and dissected posthumously for the sake of... of I don't even know. It's just disrespectful. They're gone. What point will we make by discussing their flaws?
Secondly, I will get onto my soap box for a bit. Depression and anxiety are issues close to my heart, with a particular emphasis on gifted people with these struggles. I happen to know several people battling depression or anxiety, or both, nearly all of them gifted. I am among those people, and have battled bouts of both throughout my teenage and adult years. Gifted or no, depression and anxiety present the brain with challenges against which even the strongest, smartest, most logical, or most determined person struggles. Some of us can hide it, some of us are not aware that it's happening to us, and everyone's struggles manifest themselves differently.
I think it helps to think of depression and anxiety as holding the brain hostage. When a person is depressed or anxious, our brains are flooded with chemicals which cause us to come up with thoughts that the rational, or polite, or smart, or socially appropriate parts of us would never consider. And sometimes those resulting thinking errors override our abilities to make healthy decisions.
All people with depression or anxiety are far from convinced that death is the "way out," or the only way to find peace. But some people are unable to stop their brain's process from spiraling, even with counseling, medication, or some combination of treatments. The chemicals flooding their brain are causing them to focus upon the pain and the despair.
At the point that someone contemplates, attempts, or completes a suicide, the decision was no longer really theirs - their brain was overtaken by forces stronger than their efforts to heal. Suicide hurts the people who are left behind. It's confusing for us. We tried to help them! They were getting help! Why couldn't they just wait it out? But please, before you accuse someone of being selfish for committing suicide, consider that the more powerful force at work for them is that of their love for those of us that care for them. The person most likely considers themselves a burden to those they care most about, therefore is made to believe that rather than finding peace for themselves, they are removing pain from those they love. Yes, it's backwards to those of us who aren't going through that. But for someone that deep in sadness, it makes some kind of sense.
The good news is that we can help the people we know are struggling. The harder news is that it won't be on our time. It can be exhausting caring for someone with depression or anxiety. It takes so much time, and so much patience. We begin to feel defeated ourselves, because we feel like despite all our efforts, this person is just not "getting better." But remember, it's not about the caregiver. If we are to be truly helpful, we have to let ourselves be vulnerable and patient as well. We can't take depression away from someone we love, no matter how strong we are or how much we want to. It is a process each person has to go through for themselves, on their own time, in their own way.
Patience is the best gift you can give to someone you love who is battling depression or anxiety. Reserve judgement. Let them come to you. Listen. Don't be bossy by claiming to know what they need to do. Just be. Pray for them, with them. And know that even if it's not expressed, they (we) are grateful.
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